but I don’t hate men

December 19, 2007

That phrase tells us more about the person uttering it, and the culture in which that person resides,  then almost any other phrase in the typical feminist vocabulary.  I cringe every time I hear it, because a truly self-examined self-enlightened person with more than half a brain simply wouldn’t say it.

Perhaps that is too harsh.  Perhaps it’s not harsh enough.  Feminists are not perfect.  It is the height of ignorance to assume we are, and to automatically assume that any criticism directed our way is merely a disguised attack on women’s rights and status.  That is a form of denial and a way to avoid examining our own attitudes.   Is it possible to grow in sisterhood without a little discomfort along the way? 

There’s something deeply disturbing about all these hidden assumptions circulating around the blogosphere every time that phrase is used, which implies that women shouldn’t hate men, or that it’s wrong to hate men, or that there’s something wrong with a woman for hating men.  Have you ever stopped to think why you say that phrase?

Please, explain why it’s not a problem.  Explain why it’s only really a problem FOR MEN – because in a world where men use every dumb excuse under the sun to justify sexism and resist equality for half the human race, where 95% of all physical violence is commited by men and where women still haven’t achieved parity in the year 2007 in one of the most liberated countries on the freaking planet – WOMEN HATING MEN IS NOT A PROBLEM FOR WOMEN.

That phrase adds a diversionary and sacrificial element to any discussion.  We’re not like those angry bitches who are totally fed up with men’s sexist behavior, so don’t treat us like you treat them.  We’ll gently tolerate all the assholes because we believe there’s at least a few men who “aren’t like that”.   We’re much too polite to be angry as we tentively make our requests for the sexism to stop.  Men know that they can count on us to know our place.  

Not only that, but feminists will defend, uphold, and even internalize men’s right to denigrate radical feminism, and that phrase is but one example.  Here’s the thing.  If feminists aren’t indirectly supporting these men – who are the real problem, btw – then why do the feminists keep distancing themselves from the radical feminists?   Shit, darlin’s.  I’d get better treatment from the feminists if I said I was a man. 

I’d like to hear why a women would use that phrase.  Most likely she would tell me it’s because she loves men.  Really?  Does she love all men, or just her own circle of intimates – regardless of how  gender biased the guy actually is?  Does she love all men, or just the ones who loudly condemn patriarchal bullshit on a website – in between porn downloads?  Because as far as I can tell, there’s only about three real feminist men in the entire world, and outliers are not a reason to celebrate.  Wave the Duke University rape flag under their nose and find out just how enlightened they really are.

Or perhaps she will say that she doesn’t want to hurt the feelings of men “who aren’t like that”.   Again, where are these non-existent hords of men “who aren’t like that”?  If they’re so frickin’ common, I  should be tripping over them like untied shoelaces by now.  Besides that, if these men she’s defending are so wonderfully enlightened, then surely they would have the capacity to understand that they – as honorary NiceGuys™ – aren’t the ones being referred to during all this misogyny disection? 

Or perhaps she hopes against all odds that one day the boyz will stop being sexist pigs, and she knows that the best way to manipulate a child into behaving himself is to raise her expectations for his behavior, and hold out the promise of a cookie as his reward.  Never mind the fact that the boy wouldn’t bother – without external motivation – to get sick of his own behavior towards those whom he claims to love, and attempt to change his attitude on his own

Once again, some feminists aren’t giving men as much credit as the vilest of feminazis will offer.  I believe most men are intelligent enough to understand gender deconstructions the first time it’s explained to them.

Once again, denigrating women for not propping up men’s egos even as most men continue to be sexist fools is an internalized TOOL OF THE PATRIARCHY, used by many feminists with wild-eyed innocent abandon.

The only reason feminists denigrate and distinguish themselves from women who supposedly hate men is because — WHY???  “I’m not like that.”  Try this instead:  “I prefer not to be among the denigrated class of women, the same class that I myself denigrate”.   Only a freaking fool suffering from willful blindness could confuse the righteous anger spawned from systemtic injustice with the senseless and deliberately harmful hatred of women which has continued down through the ages, with no end in sight.

No honey, you really don’t hate men; you just hate women.   

Smiles to Amy, for her beautifully appropiate Audre Lorde’s quote.  Frown to one of Shakesville’s commenters, who inspired today’s spewage with a common phrase. 

8 Responses to “but I don’t hate men”

  1. Jokerine Says:

    Or what about when other women say things like: “Those feminists are man-hating feminists, that is why they are so strange.” Or “those are awsome feminists, they don’t hate men either”

    I once exploded at my mom, when she related such a story (she dinn say it though), and said “Of course I hate men, men do hateful things.” She smiled at me, and in her eyes I saw agreement. Then she did go on and say, that there are good men out there.

    Of course if these good men exist, then thy are excluded. if there are…

  2. Mary Sunshine Says:

    Entirely aside from the matter of whether or not I hate men, I’m appalled at the existence of their genitalia.

  3. thebewilderness Says:

    I think that being accused of hatred of anything is a tactic designed to put a person on the defensive, and the frequency with which we see it in the comment threads demonstrates its effectiveness.

    I have explained, many times, that I don’t care about men one way or the other, that I hate injustice, and that men are the perps of injustice.
    Doesn’t do any good. Once the you hate men, they hate men, accusation comes out the discussion is over and the verbal violence has begun.

    It’s interesting that you brought it up. I have never really considered it carefully. There is plenty of evidence in the world at large that men hate women. There is very little evidence that women hate men. And yet, the accusation is made quite frequently. Possibly because the menz recognize that their behavior is so reprehensible that hatred would be the obvious and appropriate response. So, maybe when they come out with the “you hate men” accusation they are expressing their delight in having found a rational, reasonable, healthy person. Nah, prolly not.

  4. feminazi Says:

    I have never really considered it carefully.

    Oooh, I thought of something before TheWiserOneThanMe did? I’m cross-stitching that into my pillow. Because I’m totally insecure like that. :/ LOL

    Another thing which was already mentioned elsewhere was that obviously women are not merely men with different dangly bits. If women were exactly like men, then we would be sitting around discussing the best ways to enslave men; but we’re not – we’re sitting around discussing how and why we need to get away from them. Kind of a big difference, there.

    Personally, I’m assuming men are intelligent creatures, and so the reason they do it is to deliberately put women on the defensive — which forces women into saying crap like “but I wuv menz”. The psych dudes are very clear: once you can get someone into making a declarative statement, the person will then develope all types of reasons to justify their original statement, further reinforcing the mindset you wanted all along . That’s the number one manipulative goal of successful high-end sales people everywhere.

    Let me know if you come up with any more exciting thoughts, so I can steal it and put it in a blog post. 🙂 Was that too obvious?

  5. When “woman hater” carries as much weight and suggestion of mental derangement as “man hater” does then I may listen. 🙂

  6. pisaquaririse Says:

    Someone telling me I hate men always makes me laugh–it’s such a spaced out response to what I am saying. I don’t leave hope for the convo at that point, I just spew breath and sound in their face and tell them “good’un!”

    (Thanks for the 1st comment-wahoozers-on that rough thing I call a blog. I’ve been lurking here for a while but it usually takes some sort of event to get me out–hi!)

  7. feminazi Says:

    {gasp} No, not you too! I’m shocked, rrilly. See, this all makes sense, once you realize that I am eeeevile. It’s all part of my master plan for control of the world’s cocoa bean supply, which involves turning everything upside-down, just like the men do!

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