Evolution of an Asshat and the Power of Forgiveness

November 26, 2007

used doormat 

STEP ONE:  Man makes sexist joke.

STEP TWO:  Woman objects, citing the harm that negative attitudes have on listeners.

STEP THREE:  Man says woman is rude, and can’t she please be more polite about her incessant demands?

STEP FOUR:  Woman politely repeats her statement.

STEP FIVE:  Man says *yawn* I haven’t done anything wrong, what are you talking about, I don’t see a problem, she deserved it, anyway it’s just a joke, grow a thicker skin, the intention wasn’t what you think, I’m not sexist so it’s okay for me to make sexist jokes, aw you know boys will be boys, we’re just having fun, I didn’t mean it that way, you’re reading too much into it, just relax, don’t you have a knitting forum to bitch about this at, you’re too sensitive, you’re ruining my fun, how can I possibly have a conversation about anything and NOT include a reference to woman-as-sextoy,  you’re whining again, get over it already, it’s not that bad, it’s really not my problem, other things are worse, explain your problem with the joke again, no I didn’t understand the first time will you explain it again, it’s your job to teach me–not mine, what did you mean by that, men have troubles too, don’t you care about men, why do you hate men, you’re making too much of it, my wife thought the joke was funny, if you’re going to be rude about it then why should I listen to you, you need to say it “this way”, show me some respect whydon’tcha, *cough* for god’s sake I didn’t know it bothered you that much, why didn’t you tell me sooner, why didn’t you say anything when that other guy did it, stand up for yourself, don’t be rude to me when you stand up for yourself–my feelings are important too!  Hey!  this stuff bothers women, and it’s harmful!  Who knew?  *shug*  I’m such a great guy for figuring this out on my own!  Come back here and lets be friends!  Don’t hold a grudge, make sure you forgive – like I always have!  I’m not mad at you honey so you better not be mad at me or else I’ll backslide…  You just better behave YOURSELF TOO.

STEP SIX:  Woman says, “I wuv you!”

Sojourners, there’s this thing called a doormat.  It’s made for walking on, and for wiping the accumulated filth of the world on.  This wiping device is designed to leave one’s heel spotlessly unaffected by what path one has chosen to trod upon, as one passes into a nicely clean world which is designed solely and exclusive for one’s own comfort.  No thought is given to the harsh bootprints stamped into the mud, drying in the sun as a testimony to how hard that boot can stomp.

That doormat is you, erstwhile wayward feminist travelers.  But everything will be okay, the truth is not going to kill you, the power of the truth will set you free. 

Once on Twisty’s board I asked women to pick a date in the distant future when they thought sexism would be over.  I asked: when that date arrived and men were still sexist pigs, would they give up on men?  Most of them grabbed what I call the “sainthood excuse”.  No, they would never give up on men and would apparently forgive any and all transgressions if men would just get with the program.

Funny how they won’t advocate infinite forgiveness for any other ongoing crime against humanity.   

Forgiveness is only possible when the injustice has no possiblity of being repeated.  Otherwise, it’s merely a coping mechanism for dealing with ongoing abuse.  Only a god who doesn’t exist on this earth in human form can forgive her attackers for a continous gang rape in progress.   Only a doormat in denial can forgive an inherently sexist animal for actively resisting equality. 

Feminists are in denial.  Buckets of it.  Take any coping mechanism, and read it with feminists in mind.  Take Stockholm Syndrome, for example:

Stockholm Syndrome is a psychological response sometimes seen in an abducted hostage, in which the hostage shows signs of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger (or at least risk) in which the hostage has been placed.

Loyalty to a more powerful abuser — in spite of the danger that this loyalty puts the victim in — is common among victims of domestic abuse, battered partners and child abuse (dependent children). In many instances the victims choose to remain loyal to their abuser, and choose not to leave him or her, even when they are offered a safe placement in foster homes or safe houses.

(An excellent book on the subject is Stanley Cohen’s States of Denial; Knowing about Autrocities and Suffering. I decided to buy it after finding this temptingly well-written review here; and yes, it has more than lived up to it’s promised shininess.  Most books take forever to get to the point, but Cohen scattered gems on every page.)


Women love men, they love sex with men, they love being loved by men.  It is unbearably heartbreaking for a feminist to think that, while men do indeed love women, men’s love is not the same as women’s love.   Women have always loved men as one would love an equal, and some men have done the same in return, but great numbers of men are also imminently capable of loving women as one would love a dog.  Sojourners, this is the only explaination which fits the pattern of history.  How else can you explain a man looking his wife in the eye and saying, “no honey, you don’t deserve equality”? 

 I know, I know.  “Culture” the feminists shout.  Well please stop shouting, because you haven’t seen an ass reaming like the one I am about to give to “culture” as an excuse. 

But I’m not done with denial just yet.  Or maybe I am, because while a thousand words may paint a pretty picture, it is too long for a blog post. 

To be continued.

season’s greetings 

13 Responses to “Evolution of an Asshat and the Power of Forgiveness”

  1. thebewilderness Says:

    “Forgiveness is only possible when the injustice has no possiblity of being repeated. Otherwise, it’s merely a coping mechanism for dealing with ongoing abuse.” msandrea

    I have missed you these past months, and I’m so glad you’re back. I have never been disgusted with you, never. Our commonality is vast and our differences few, and criminy, how I love your shrill. It causes me to nod my head like a sage and grin like a goof.

  2. Jokerine Says:

    “That doormat is you, erstwhile wayward feminist travelers. But everything will be okay, the truth is not going to kill you, the power of the truth will set you free.”

    So there is hope. I’m getting there. Honestly.

    Oh and: Shoot culture. With the biggest gun available.

  3. feminazi Says:

    Jokerine, welcome!

    Of course there’s hope! Were you kidding about that? I’m really curious, because I don’t understand and I want to. What is there is to fear about men being inherently sexist — besides the fact that sexism will always be with us, will probably get worse when resources contract, and men will claim that of course women should just get used to it? 🙂

    What’s to fear about that — when there is a way out? The EXIT sign is right here!

    “Come to the dark side, we have cookies.”

  4. Jokerine Says:

    Honestly, mAndrea, few people in the feminist blogosphere make me laugh: “Come to the dark side, we have cookies.”

    I was serious about the hope. See, though I am with you all the way, your argument rings true and I completly agree, I don’t seem to be able to let Nigel go. It’s like seeing a chocolate cake behind a glaswindow. I can see it, I can discern its deliciousness and I know I just need to walk a bit left and enter the store to get at it. BUT. Something is keeping me here at this point. I can’t let Nigel go. I am afraid of letting him go.

    Why? creature comforts, maybe? Except we struggel for power in our relationship. Safety from other men, who won’t bother me because I have an owner? Except they don’t care. An intellectual partner? My families aprobation? Except I wouldn’t lose it. Have i got too much invested? I am financially independent. I don’t really know whats keeping me.

    I can see the truth and it WILL set me free, I will come over to the dark side and bring some cookies.

  5. Moving over to the ‘dark side’ and I got chocolate cake and some tried and tested Spells that will get results.

    As far as ‘forgiveness’ goes I usually feel this just means that *you* have forgiven the person who has grieved you.

    Heh! I laughed at this “I wuv you” Oh! How many times have I witnessed this?

  6. Re forgiveness: this should read *you* have forgiven *yourself* for being angry at the person who has grieved you.

  7. m Andrea Says:

    Jokerine, the amazing thing is that you personally do not have to let your Nigel go. You can keep him, and be happy with him. Really! I am quite confident that your dude is awesome, and there is never a good reason to dump a man being awesome.

    Feminists only date awesome men – this is how I know that about you and your Nigel. Keep him!

    Butt. (and it’s a very big butt, because I’m been eating too many pumpkin cookies) Even while we still love our Nigels, we can still recognize that sexxxism harms ALL women, and that it takes thousands of years to turn a pig into a man butt only a few generations to turn a man into a pig. Those thoughts do not contradict each other, and we can hold all those thoughts in our heads at the same time.

    Also, I have a debate scheduled to arrive at this humble little bloggy, and I like how scientisty people THINK!

    *wafts cookies*

  8. m Andrea Says:

    Sparkle, I have PUMPKIN COOKIES! Have some! They have frosting!

    I have a lot of problems with forgiveness too. 🙂 Forgiveness is only screeeemed from the rooftops when the people wanting mass forgiveness are men. Otherwise, the subject hardly comes up.

  9. Jokerine Says:

    Hm. I get to keep Nigel, but recognise that sexism harms ALL women. I’m not quite convinced. It’s such a practical solution. Then again I have seen that persistent agressive steeping of anti-feminist and nigel types in the boiling water of a good strong feminism does generate change. Very small change though.

    Forgivness is a tough subject. The way it usually enters my life is the way sparklematrix described. Somehow the pigmen never ever forgive anything. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing when it is given in the right place. Mostly though it is taken as an excuse to turn right around and do the same shit again.

    Oh and you have a lovely blogadress. It would be a shame to not distribute it, if you want to. It’s good to have feminist and radfem commenters on the blog. I am starting to wear my radical feminism a lot more openly. (Oh and nobody from work reads my blog anyway ;))


  10. Jokerine Says:

    It’s kinda like knowing that CO2-emissions are causing climate change and thus harming other people and still driving a car.

    I get that there are cases where driving a car is necessary. But there are so many cases where it is simply wasteful to drive a car.

    Doesn’t this compare with staying with Nigel?

  11. feminazi Says:

    Ha, it does, and it is excellent. I loves me some scientisty brains! Those are better than cookies. *mmmm, brains*

    I would never tell someone to give up their own personal car, or tell them to scrap a car on the production line. That is rude. 😛

    But what about our children? What if they did not want or need a car? What if we found another way for them to get around without a car? For those who understand the inherent dangers of the car itself, finding a substitute for the car becomes a joy.

    It took 6000 years to turn a pig into a man, but it will only take a few generations of resource contraction to turn a man into a pig. I don’t know how that breaks down mathematically with all the variables, but those aren’t good odds. Isn’t it funny how men insist that sexism is normal, but when you point out that it also means that men are normally sexist, everybody and their mamma gets offended? LOL

  12. aw fisticuffer Says:

    “It took 6000 years to turn a pig into a man, but it will only take a few generations of resource contraction to turn a man into a pig.”

    Do you mind if I use that quote on the IBTP forum?

  13. m Andrea Says:

    Wow, you are nice. I usually just steal things first and confess later. As a bonus, you can have this one: “Deal with reality, or reality with deal with you”. ~Matt Savinar

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